Monday, May 17, 2010

Private Blog #1

Ok. Now that I took the time thanks for my darling friend Mandy to make my blog private to the readers that I am comfortable allowing to read my blog. 

Lately, there are a lot of things going wrong in my life. I haven't felt comfortable discussing them in the open which has left me to stem and stew and feel completely miserable because I am bottling my feelings again. When I got to New York, I knew things weren't going to be easy. Not living with just my kids, living back with my parents again, being away from all my friends in Florida, being away from the military in general and being even farther away from my husband. But things have been better in some aspects and worse in others. 

My mother in law, who is an amazing woman, is dying. She has been battling terminal breast cancer that has metastasized through out her body. Within a few days of the kids and I being up here, she was hospitalized for a horrible kidney infection that could have killed her. The problems just kept getting worse. All the while, my husband has just been deployed. We where unsure of what was going on so my father in law and I decided to hold off on telling him what was going on for a bit so that we had some concrete answers before we told him and left him to speculate. Though over time, it began to drive me nuts that I was lying to him so my father in law and I decided to tell him. He, naturally, got really upset. At the time we didn't really know what was going on. All we knew is that the problems weren't going away and her amazing team of doctors and nurses didn't know what was going on. Then we suffered a huge blow a week and a half ago when some blood results came back and showed that her liver was failing due to the cancer that has spread through her body. My in laws and her doctors decided that it would be best for my mother in law to go where she would be at peace so they discharged her from the hospital. Now, they had also tried to find a way to stop this, but even the possibilities are impossible because of how fragile she is. The doctors gave her a few weeks left with how rapid her tests keep decreasing.

Now came the painful task of telling my deployed husband that his mom is going to die. After all the battles of her cancer, all the pain she has dealt with, all the will that has pushed her through the last 11 years. She is going to die. And yes, I know everyone dies, but if you have had the pleasure of meeting my mother in law, you would know just how awful this is that such an amazing, strong woman will be leaving this world. So my father in law was supposed to tell my husband when he was in port just before Mother's Day. Something ended up happening that prevented him from telling Ryan. I didn't know that. A few days after I guess Ryan got an email from his dad telling him what was going on. I thought he was really upset about it (during the days I thought he knew) and just didn't want to talk about it. So when he emailed me really upset, I asked him when he found out and asked if he had been told right before Mother's Day like his sisters and I were. Obviously, he didn't get told then and he flipped out and got really pissed off. I ended up emailing him like 8 times that night cause he wouldn't respond after the second email. Sat at the computer on and off in tears because I was terrified of what was going through his head, what his dad told him, if he was mad at me for not telling him, etc etc. That night I talked with the ombudsman for about an hour about everything, talked with one of Ryan's supervisor's wife on the computer about what my next steps where to do. The next morning, the OIC's wife called me to let me know that they were able to let Ryan call home to talk to his mom for a little while. Then my ombudsman called me and told me that CMC wanted me to call the Emergency Red Cross and send out a message to Ryan. So I did. And that's exactly when 1309732497 complications started with my stress level.

The first time I called, they had to connect me to the center nearest to me in New York. I got disconnected from them 3 times. When I was finally able to keep the line, the lady got all the information and told me she would have someone call me back with in the hour. Talk about the longest hour imaginable.... Exactly 45 minutes later I got a call from the sweetest lady named Ann. She got the rest of the information that my in laws had given me. She told me that she had to call my mother in laws doctor to verify the situation and that she would call me back. That wait felt like forever too. She ended up calling back and I was hopeful that she was going to be able to send it out after that but I was mistaken. It was this past Saturday that all this was going on, my mother in laws doctor was not on call this weekend and Ann had gotten a machine when she called that said the office won't be open again until Monday morning. Huge, devastating blow. Even if I could get the message out on Saturday, it can take days for any answer or decision from the ship and the command. I called my in laws back and after a little while managed to find a number where there was an answering service for her doctor's office. I called and explained the situation to the lady; who connected me to the on call doctor, I then explained what was going on to him and he found her file. I gave him the number to my Red Cross lady and asked him to call her for me. Ann called me an hour later and told me she sent it out and that if I didn't hear from Ryan by tonight then she would call me if the message was delivered before then. Luckily that night, he called and told me he had the message in his hands. So I felt relived that at least that part was done. He had the message, he knew what was going on, his command knew and they were being incredibly supportive to him and our family.

The next morning provided even more complications. My husband emailed me asking me to find his original birth certificate and figure out a way to get him a passport asap to get him home. So I spend the majority of Sunday digging through all of our folders and important documents to find his birth certificate. I had no such luck but later that evening he emailed and asked me to gather some information for him because they were going to try to get it done through the ship. And since I passed that information to him I haven't heard from him. So I'm nervous and worried and stressed about the what ifs and what's next. I want to see him, I need to see him. I don't want to see him under these circumstances. I don't want him to have to go through this. I don't want him to lose his mom and I don't want to lose my mother in law.
Sorry it was so long. It has been almost 5 weeks that I have been holding this all in. I appreciate all those who read what my family and myself have been going through.

7 readers thoughts:

Amanda♥Lynne said...

I. am. so. sorry.

That is absolutely heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry that you and your poor husband are having to go through this during a deployment. How awful for him. I cannot even imagine. You seem to be handling the situation with such love and grace and as perfectly as could possibly be expected of you in such a situation. My heart and my prayers do honestly go out to you and your family. Love you dear.

StephensFamily Est.2005 said...

WOw I am so sorry hun!! It is very hard to lose someone so close!! I will defininltey keep you ALL in my prayers!!

Cat said...

I know no words I write can help you and your family feel better in this hard time. You guys are in my heart and I hope your hubby can come home soon . I know you need him and he needs to be with his mom. HUGS to you and you are truely a strong women dealing with everything you are dealing with!!

Corie said...

Erica baby, I thought I knew what was going on, but I really had no idea, did I? I wish more than anything that we were up in New York right now. I want to be helping you. Hell, I want to be hugging you!

Leelers♥ said...

Oh darling, I am sorry that you are having to deal with all this alone. Its truely heartbreaking for me. I am keeping all of you in my prayers, and hoping for the best. I can say although this is happening, at least you and the kids are there. Hopefully seeing there beautiful faces gives her peace in this part of her life. Hopefully your husband can come home and do the same.

chrystal said...

I just wanted you to know that I am adding your family to my prayers and that your an amazing strong woman..many women would be crumbing under this stress. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. i will be praying for you guys and that ryan will be able to come home soon for you.

Erica said...

Thank you everyone. It feels so good to get everything off my chest. I had been dealing with very bad mood swings due to holding all of this in. Though I know that everyone is going to die eventually, it just doesn't seem fair that all of this is going on now. I am trying to stay strong for Ryan and the kids(they don't really know what's going on) while trying to deal with all of it myself. I hope that Ryan is able to come home so he can be with his mom before she passes... or at least be here when she passes. The Klakring has been real good to my husband since all of this went down on Saturday and I am forever grateful for all the people on the ship who are there for my husband. Helping him and supporting him through this difficult time in our lives because I can't physically be there for him right now. I do appreciate all the comments and prayers. It means the world to me. Thank you everyone.