....

I've been hurt a lot in my life. I've done my share of hurting others as well. I know I've made mistakes in my life. I figured a few months ago when I finally admitted my depression that I would get better soon. I'd be back to being happy as soon as my head was clear. It's been four months. Four months of this never ending depression. That never goes away. I can feel my heart aching and breaking. It feels like there's a hole that's not supposed to be there. Like nothing can patch up this break. I'm so tired of feeling broken. I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. But I am broken, I am hurting. And it seems like anytime I find something to bring out some happiness it gets ripped out of my hands. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm ready to stop feeling like I'm breaking inside. I'm ready to stop feeling so hollow, cold. I don't want to be broken anymore.

Why hello rock bottom.

Rock Bottom. The lowest possible level. 

Supposedly this is the time when you acknowledge that you have a problem, it's your lowest low. You have finally taken more then you can handle. And now it's time to claw your way back to the top. To overcome the trials in your life that have placed you at your lowest possible level. 

I am that person that "bottles" everything up until I can't handle it anymore and then finally I snap. I have always been this person. I most likely always will be. Some bad habits die hard. Sometimes I will even cast my problems aside, tell myself that I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I sometimes feel like I make too big of a deal about a lot of things that happen so I don't like talking about things. I don't want others to think that I'm making things bigger or worse then they really are. 

Through this particular journey of depression that I am heatedly battling, which has seemed to last forever so far by the way, I have put up a lot of masks, if you looked at me if we bumped into each other today, there would be no way for you to tell them I'm shattering apart on the inside, from looking at my face. 

I have two amazing children who are everything in the world and more to me. They are literally, what is keeping me going at this point. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I haven't always been a good person, at times I've done things that I knew weren't right but I did them any way. I have given up a lot of my dreams to fall into the roll of being a young military wife with kids. My husband wanted out of the Navy so he could go to school and we could be back home. So I was to prepare myself to be the "bread winner" so that my family is taken care of and so he was happy. But where does my happiness come into play? When do I get to fulfill my dreams? When will what I want matter? Will it ever? Aren't these major life changing decisions supposed to be a joint decision or compromise? Don't even get me started on the financing blow this would mean or the lack of health care or place to live. I have made it obvious that I am not "for" this decision, I didn't go down without a fight. I beat the subject til my lips were blue. In the end, I had decided to support his decision. I compromised and figured in a few years, I will be able to start my schooling or whatever it is that I end up wanting to do. 


But unfortunately, sometimes just agreeing to things that you don't want really ends up being more of a problem then you expected. Days past, weeks, months. Slowly I started realizing that I was and still am severely depressed. Since leaving Florida a lot more things have become clear to me about the reasons why I'm depressed. At the beginning though, I hid it. Having no idea where it came from, what brought it on, why I was as bad as I was. After sometime I slowly started admitting that I was depressed and that brought on me seeking a therapist out. Which blew up in my face.

After two sessions with her, she wanted to put me on medication. I hadn't even begun to sort out my issues and she was talking about pills. I just wanted someone not involved in the situation to listen to me. To let me get it all out, so I could sort it out. Figure out what I want and where to go from here. I am not a pill taker. I stopped seeing her after that. A few weeks past, things got worse. I decided to move home. To remove myself from a situation that wasn't helping me. I decided to be selfish. To think of myself first instead of putting everyone under the sun in front of my well being. After all, if I can't properly take care of my self, how the hell can I take care of everyone that I care about? 


So it was decided that I was going to go home, take some time to myself, figure things out. I was 100% happy with my decision. Finally I had made a step that might truly help me. The week before I left, I started to have second thoughts. I didn't want to leave him alone. I felt horrible guilt. In the end, I kept up to my decision to make myself better and left. 


I'm no where near where I want to be. I'm still very very depressed. Still haven't uncovered all the reasons as to why. I am still looking inside myself to figure out what I want. Where to go from here. My first step is to become self-sufficient. I have relied on my husband to take care of me since I moved to Fl in 2007. I can not do that anymore. I need to be able to know that no matter what happens, I can take care of myself and my kids. It's going to be a long, agonizing process to decide what I want and where I'm going. But I will get there. From here on out, all my decisions will be what I feel and think is best for myself and my children. Not what's best for others. 


I have hit rock bottom. I am still there. It is a very difficult place to be. I am so in my head that I don't know which way is up or down anymore. I will fight through this. I will work THROUGH my issues. I will be happy, one day. 




"The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know it."


 

Update.

Wow. I haven't blogged in forever. Lately I just don't even know what to say anymore.There's so much going on, but not too much I really feel I can say about any of it. Christmas is coming up a lot faster than I expected. The last few Christmas' have been really hard on me. Due to Keegan not being with us and being so sick on his first Christmas. Last year it was really nice being together as a family. But that painful memory was still there. This year, my mother for

in law isn't here anymore. I almost feel empty when I think about it. Lately, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Being so far away from family makes me really sad, almost to the point where I can't enjoy the holidays as much as I know I can. I can't wait til next year when we are back home. I have truly cherished this experience in this military life but I am so ready to be back home with my family and friends. To be away from all the problems that have happened here. To be around people that I've known for years upon years. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't stay when I was up there. But I know in the long run, us being together as a family we all will be better off.

Haven't really been up to too much. Just working all the time. When I'm not working, I spend all my time with my family. I feel like I don't get any time with them and the little time I do, I don't really want to go anywhere to see anyone else. It kinda sucks sometimes but to me it's worth it. Don't really see anyone else though. Sometimes it's not a bad thing but other times it gets pretty lonely. But I'll be fine. We've only got about 6 more months left here and then we head back to NY.

On this day...

It is good to know that during difficult situations, there is always someone there for you with a shoulder to lean on. I am very thankfully that even though the last few days have been very stressful, upsetting and angry. But luckily, things are about to change! Make some head way today to changing my situation and now things our on the road for better outcomes!

Lateee night findings

I literally feel physically ill. Sick to my stomach in disgust. I went through my wireless hard drive tonight in hopes to get some good pics of the kids that I can print out for a project I am going to be working on here soon. I found them, thankfully. 

Also found some pictures that I had never wanted to see again. I can't believe that I was so irresponsible with my life with who I allowed into my life. Looking at the pictures, reliving some of the memories; I could literally feel the nausea setting in. After quickly and effectively riding these people out of my life and avoiding people who associate with the likes of them, my life has gotten ridiculously better. I don't have that negativity or toxic aura around me anymore. But looking back I can't believe that I allowed myself to ignore the warning signs. The instinct that told me to run away from them as far and fast as possible. I hope I never have to associate with people like that again.

Thankfully I have some amazing people in my life who continually show me the true meaning of good friends, good people and good relationships. They are positive people who don't dabble in that ridiculousness and avoid people who do. I must say, I am quite lucky :D

Random thoughts.

My daughter is in kindergarten this year, which starts a long next few years with school, activities, new friends, new things in general. But coming along with all the positive things that school can and should hold for each and every child is a lot of negative things too. Kaley hasn't been in school too long here, maybe a month since we've been back in Florida and there has already been a few incidents that I'm not so impressed by. Kaley has always had a little issue with listening, she's always been over active but she has mellowed out so much in the last year and a half. She gets bored easily and is really smart. I'm not a person that will sit by and listen to someone criticize my child and not do anything about it. I have a feeling that it's going to be a long, stressful road in the future with schooling but I refuse to allow her to deal with the same things I dealt with growing up in school. 


I think is way past time that these schools do something about bullying. Not just for the victim but for the bully. There is obviously some term oil going on in their life or home that should be addressed to try to help each bully. Whether they're just doing it for fun or not, obviously there is something wrong with people; adults and children, having a good time tearing someone else apart until the snap or truly believe the horrid things that are being said. The victims need an outlet where they can get everything that is happening to them off their chest without feeling like they are being judged, they did something wrong or caused this. These are our children that are going through this, the hearts that walk outside of our bodies. Unless this stops we will see more horrible things happening to our children unless we finally step up and do something to stop this. 


If my kids ever have to go through some of the things that I went through or worse, I will seriously stop at nothing to make sure that my child(ren) are safe and that the bad things happening to them will end. I don't know why so many people turn a blind eye to how bad some situations are until its too late. Why don't teachers do anything to prevent this? I know a child who has been BLAMED for his bullying because he's "different". The teacher allowed his bullies to get together with him and tell him what they don't like about him. How is that supposed to help anything? All it does is reassure the bully(bullies) that they can keep getting away with it. How can we be ok with allowing such things to happen? Since when is it the victims fault? Next are people going to start saying that a woman being raped is her fault cause she wore a skirt? (BTW, I know rape's occur because the rapist has a need for control.)


I recently have watched a lot of shows like Ellen and Dr Phil talking about bullying and it's effects on the victims. It makes me so sad that every day, an ungodly number of children face this every single day. My heart goes out to each and every one of them. 

Post Surgery :)

Well I had my surgery yesterday. The night before I had to take a sedative before I went to bed for me to be able to sleep. I tried for 2 hours before I took the pill and sleep was avoiding me. Ryan doesn't want me to ever take a sedative again because apparently I was tossing and turning and had some nightmares throughout the night that woke him up. I was extremely nervous about the surgery, although I was more then ready to start feeling better, it was still an overwhelming feeling. I remember walking into the room and them getting me all hooked up to the monitors, put the tube up my nose and put the iv in. I remember the doctor telling me about the 3 things he was putting into the iv and I remember my head getting all fuzzy. The next thing I remember after that is being at the pharmacy at NAS to get my prescription. I must have slept the majority of the day yesterday and I don't even really feel like it. It was a pretty fuzzy day overall. I remember craving a cigarette like crazy for a few hours last night, to the point where I had text a few people just to reassure myself that I shouldn't be smoking at least until the first 72 hours are up. But hopefully when I get to that point, in about 40 hours, I won't need to smoke. It would be awesome if this was the step that I needed to get to in my life to kick this addiction. I mean, the beginning of the problems before my surgery is what drove me to quit caffeine 100% and I have done amazing since then. Didn't even have any withdrawal symptoms so I'm hoping that it's the same way with cigarettes. Even if I was to only smoke when I went out drinking (which is VERY few and far between) I would be ridiculously proud of myself.