Sunday, February 7, 2010

Personal demons- GONE!

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye."
Helen Keller

I have been battling my personal demons for the last 7 or so months. Trying to get myself to where I want to be, who I want to be. I have been so full of anger, spite, negativity. At times I've been depressed, irrational, pessimistic, consumed with rage. All these feelings are not good for a person to feel on a regular basis. It's not healthy. I have been doing really well at becoming a more positive person, who is happier, more energetic, not angry, doesn't dwell on the "drama" around here.

After being consumed in drama for about 10 or more months, it was getting insanely old. People were becoming ridiculously immature. Calling DCF out of spite, threatening to "fight", manipulating people to be on "your side". I mean, are we seriously back in middle school? We are in our 20's or older. We have children. Our husbands are serving our country. And this is the way we treat each other when we get pissy with each other? It's ridiculous. I have done my share in participating in drama. Won't even lie. I've talked shit, what person hasn't? Though I can say, I have not said anything that was a lie, I never tried to ruin someone's life, I have never called authorities where there wasn't anything going on just to try to hurt someone. That's taking things WAY too far.

im⋅ma⋅ture- 2. emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.

The people involved in taking things was to far have been every bit of the definition above. Juvenile. Acting like we are children again. Constantly attempting to keep things going is stupid. It really is. What is the point? Why can't you grow up and move on? Why keep constantly dwelling on something that is so far in the past? Yes, it is INSANELY mature to write little things attempting to cause drama all over your status. Yes, lets constantly talk shit! Yes, lets text someone that you have done the most malicious things to and say "hey" and expect them to answer! Yes, lets text someone you haven't spoken to in MONTHS. But you have run your mouth about like no other. GOD, we are so mature right?!

How can people live like that? I certainly know, I can't. I tried. I won't ever do it again. I don't care what anyone says about me, I don't care what they try to do to me. No one can bring me down, I have been through shit that would make a lot of people completely break down. And here I am, standing stronger than ever. Nothing anyone tries to do to me will hurt me or break me. Stupid attempts to "ruin someones life" or anything completely ridiculous like that, is not only immature, but pointless. Shouldn't you be cherishing the time that you have here on this Earth? Or spending time with your husband or children? Instead of constantly instigating pointless problems? Why would someone want to stress themselves out like that??

It's the same answer as someone talking shit about a "friend". Misery loves company. Now that I am not a miserable person, now that I am a very happy person and realize how truly lucky and blessed I am to have a loving husband, amazing children, the best family ever and the best friends a girl could ask for. I know the answer. Some people are so miserable with the life that they are leading that they have to constantly talk badly about someone in order to make themselves either feel better or make their lives look better. There is no one in the world who can convince me otherwise either. People will deny it, no one wants to admit why they do malicious things. But it's only in attempt to protect themselves.

Trust me, once I realized what my problems were; the people I allowed myself to be around on a constant basis, the way I thought, problems that I hadn't resolved, etc. I realized exactly what I was doing to myself and to the people I was around. I turned my back on the people who love that mentality for good. I have changed so much since I allowed myself to see who I had let myself become and realized that I hated that person. Just like I can't stand people who are like the person I had become. I will never allow those type of people in my life again and I will never allow myself to be back in that place of anger and negativity.

I don't know if I could be happier with the way my life is now. Now that I shut the door on that awful few months of my life. I think about it and I make it a lesson that I have learned. I now know who I am, who I want to be, who I want around me and who I don't want around me. And I couldn't be happier. Finding myself through all these problems has been a fun, sad, painful journey. But it was worth every emotion, every minute. I have learned so much about myself, about other people, and about what I want out of life. I won't take no for an answer, I have become more determined and more motivated. It's such an uplifting feeling! I have surrounded myself with some amazing people. People I can be myself around, people who don't judge me or try to manipulate me, control me and the things I do. People who love to just hang out and talk, play video games, watch movies, chat (not gossip or shit talk!) and the list goes on! I am very lucky and blessed that I can be who I am, mistakes and all around every single person that I call a friend and not one of them judges me or tries to use it to hurt me. It's so awesome to finally be happy and love life!

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."
Denis Waitley

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