Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Courage to change the things I can

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

After a night from hell, I am trying to regain control. I don't even really know what set me off to be honest. I think it's all the stress and the lack of an outlet. Sometimes I feel as if all this self control I have spent time developing isn't worth it. I am allowed to get angry, to get sad, to flip out when bad things happen, to be negative for a little while. But other times I feel that if I allow myself to slip things will just go back to how they used to be. I don't like being angry and tonight scared me because I had not been this angry since some of the drama hit its height in Florida a few months ago. A few of my amazing girls talked me through it. God, I really don't know what I would do without my friends. 

 I have realized that as much as people claim to have "let go" of problems with others, they haven't. It's a lie. Because if people truly let go, it doesn't bother them anymore. Or they don't intentionally do things to jab at the other party. In high school, when us girls had a problem we screamed and cussed at each other and some fought each other. Then shit was done and over. Drama at NS Mayport is FARRRRRR from that. People like to pull out all sorts of ridiculous lies that SERIOUSLY hurt people and families. Then act like they didn't do anything wrong and the other party is the horrific drama start who did this and did this and blah blah fucking blah. It's stupid, hurtful, ridiculous and it makes people look so completely cold hearted. Now I don't like thinking badly towards people, I don't have a problem telling people how I feel, nor do I have a problem telling people about me and what the fuck I am about. I also have absolutely no problem of letting people know some of the things I have been through. I am not ashamed, I have done nothing wrong. I know this, my friends know this, everyone knows this. I try to be as good of a friend as I possibly can be. As I previously stated in one of my blogs, I would give a kidney to someone I care about to help. Now, what part of me makes it so easy for people to try to hurt me? For real, I want to know. Why is it that damn near every single time I feel good with the friendships I have made, the bonds between fellow military wives that I have made, does one person out of that crowd feel the need to spread nasty rumors, lie about my kids, my husband and myself; and or take things even higher and worse than that? Do I have a sign on my back that says, "yes please try to ruin my life"? 

I don't like being tested. I am not a patient person. I don't deal with drama, liars, people who intentionally hurt others because they are unhappy, etc etc. I don't have the patience nor the control to deal with this anymore. Is it so hard to just leave me alone if you don't like me for whatever reason?? Or is that just TOO much to ask? All I want is to enjoy the friendships that I have with some of the most trustworthy ladies and watch my children grow and support my husband in every aspect possible. Now with my husband deployed, I am trying to be mommy and daddy to my kids. I don't need or want any stupid bullshit that apparently is in the water in Mayport. So if you feel the need to crave your fix of drama, need to make yourself feel better by hurting others and spreading lies, then find someone else. 

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