Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dear John and random thoughts

Instead of going shopping for stuff for my husbands work up tonight, we were all super tired, the kids and Ryan went to sleep and I stayed up and literally read the entire book, Dear John. I have very mixed emotions about it. I love John's character, everything about him. I loved Savannah in the beginning, hated her with an insane passion after she wrote the Dear John letter, until the very end of the book. I cried, I smiled, I laughed. The whole book, I'm completely expecting some sort of fate twisting into their favor and them to end up together. But I was thoroughly disappointed. I am disappointed that that man loved her so much, but had to let her go. I know that that is absolute true love and it's completely selfless. It's just not fair.

On another note, I was on my way to pick Mikayla up to run an errand this afternoon and I was listening to a CD that I haven't listened to in probably 8 or more months. It was during a very sad part of my life and the music on this CD definitely reflected my feelings at that point. There's one song on that CD, this one verse in it always gets me. I get goosebumps and I start to cry. Doesn't matter where I am when I hear that one verse.

If I told you
I've been cleaning my soul
And if I promised you
I'll regain control
Will you open your door
And let me in?
Take me for who I am
And not for who I've been?"

This verse has stuck with me through a lot of bad events that have unfolded over the last year. I try as much as I can to be a very forgiving person. Unless you personally attack my character or my children and husband, I can most likely forgive you. I don't forget things easily though. I'm quick to hold a grudge, I like having things resolved by talking them out. I don't like ending friendships not knowing why they ended. Unless you have personally scorned me beyond repair, I don't talk about people I used to be friends with, don't really think about a person unless I remember a memory or someone mentions that person. I wish the people who used to be in my life well. I hope that their lives are going good and that when times are bad, they can remain positive.

I am perfectly content where I am at as a person. I know I've got a long way to go. But the person I was this time last year is so much different than who I am today. I have been hurt a lot, had a great time, learned so much, grown a lot and I'd like to think that I've become wiser through my trials and tribulations. I may not be a perfect person or be exactly where I want to be but I am slowly but surely getting there. I am no where near as negative as I used to be. I'm more optimistic, I surround myself with positive people. People I have fun with, people I can be negative with and not worry about them getting angry at me, people that I know are there for me no matter what. I don't feel like I can't talk about things with my friends now or have to worry about what they say when I leave. I don't have to be worried if I have a angry/sad post on my status. I know that if I have an angry or sad status, my friends will annoy me to death until I tell them what's going on and they find some way to make me feel better. They know everything that I've been through, they don't judge me. They don't feel like they can throw my not so perfect decisions in my face.

I do sometimes miss parts of last year. I had a good time regardless of the bad situations. I thought I had really good relationships and enough trust in them. I'm not perfect as I stated before. I don't always think clearly before making a decision. I'm a very impulsive person. I wear my heart on my sleeves. Something I inherited from my mother in law. I care deeply for people that I call "friend." I don't like the way that some people jump to assumptions without knowing both sides of a story before they flip out. That's something that has bugged me a lot for a while now. I don't need to explain myself to people nor do I need to explain what I do. But don't make assumptions because you think you know what happened by drawing conclusions based on one version that you have heard. I remember there was one problem that I had. My husband and I had a horrendous fight one night. We ended up over by the beach to cool down from the fight, ended up getting drunk at the bar and within a week I lost a group of "friends." None of them, in my opinion, cared to know that my husband and I were there together and ran into some people and were drinking because of most likely the biggest fight we had had in well over a year. Assumptions were made, judgments were passed and friendships were over. Just because no one cared enough to ask what my side was. And when it was asked, it was too late. Following being completely bitched out several times.

That's in the past now though. Though, maybe I should have spoken up, by the time I could have, I knew the damage was already done. It wouldn't have mattered what I said. And I was and still am, so sick of feeling like I need to explain myself to people. How am I supposed to explain to you what I do, when I don't know why I do things? Like I said, I'm impulsive. I'm a free soul. I like doing things on a whim, without any reason why or why not. That's when I am most free. When I'm not thinking. I constantly turn things over and over and over in my head that I would probably drive a shrink crazy. I over analyze things, I question damn near everything, I want to know why things happen the way they do, I want to know why people can't be nice and pleasant instead of cruel and vicious. I don't like problems, complications, confrontations or anything of the sort. But I'll be the first one to step up if what is going on isn't right. If things need to be left alone, I leave it alone. If someone doesn't stop harassing me or my friends, I will say something. I have a mouth and an attitude to boot, I never know when to shut it up. I've always gotten into trouble for that. I'm not scared of anyone or anything but my mom. I don't like to be the center of attention. I can't stand having people feel sorry for me.

But all the while, I try to treat people that I encounter the way I wish to be treated. I try to be nice to people, even if they've wounded me in the past. I try to get over things, but I'm the type that has to have every single angle explained and know why things happened the way they did. So sometimes it takes me a while, but I do get over things. I do what I can not to judge someone based on their current life or things they've done in the past. That doesn't define who a person is. Mistakes, bad decisions mold us into better, stronger people regardless of what we've been through. Therefore, don't judge me. I've made my mistakes. I have done stupid things, but I've done good things too. I am the best person I can be, and if you don't like it, you don't need to be in my life, be concerned with my life or care about it. I don't answer to anyone but myself and God. And considering I like me a lot and so does my husband, children, family and friends; that's all I could ever ask for.

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