Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why hello rock bottom.

Rock Bottom. The lowest possible level. 

Supposedly this is the time when you acknowledge that you have a problem, it's your lowest low. You have finally taken more then you can handle. And now it's time to claw your way back to the top. To overcome the trials in your life that have placed you at your lowest possible level. 

I am that person that "bottles" everything up until I can't handle it anymore and then finally I snap. I have always been this person. I most likely always will be. Some bad habits die hard. Sometimes I will even cast my problems aside, tell myself that I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I sometimes feel like I make too big of a deal about a lot of things that happen so I don't like talking about things. I don't want others to think that I'm making things bigger or worse then they really are. 

Through this particular journey of depression that I am heatedly battling, which has seemed to last forever so far by the way, I have put up a lot of masks, if you looked at me if we bumped into each other today, there would be no way for you to tell them I'm shattering apart on the inside, from looking at my face. 

I have two amazing children who are everything in the world and more to me. They are literally, what is keeping me going at this point. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I haven't always been a good person, at times I've done things that I knew weren't right but I did them any way. I have given up a lot of my dreams to fall into the roll of being a young military wife with kids. My husband wanted out of the Navy so he could go to school and we could be back home. So I was to prepare myself to be the "bread winner" so that my family is taken care of and so he was happy. But where does my happiness come into play? When do I get to fulfill my dreams? When will what I want matter? Will it ever? Aren't these major life changing decisions supposed to be a joint decision or compromise? Don't even get me started on the financing blow this would mean or the lack of health care or place to live. I have made it obvious that I am not "for" this decision, I didn't go down without a fight. I beat the subject til my lips were blue. In the end, I had decided to support his decision. I compromised and figured in a few years, I will be able to start my schooling or whatever it is that I end up wanting to do. 

But unfortunately, sometimes just agreeing to things that you don't want really ends up being more of a problem then you expected. Days past, weeks, months. Slowly I started realizing that I was and still am severely depressed. Since leaving Florida a lot more things have become clear to me about the reasons why I'm depressed. At the beginning though, I hid it. Having no idea where it came from, what brought it on, why I was as bad as I was. After sometime I slowly started admitting that I was depressed and that brought on me seeking a therapist out. Which blew up in my face.

After two sessions with her, she wanted to put me on medication. I hadn't even begun to sort out my issues and she was talking about pills. I just wanted someone not involved in the situation to listen to me. To let me get it all out, so I could sort it out. Figure out what I want and where to go from here. I am not a pill taker. I stopped seeing her after that. A few weeks past, things got worse. I decided to move home. To remove myself from a situation that wasn't helping me. I decided to be selfish. To think of myself first instead of putting everyone under the sun in front of my well being. After all, if I can't properly take care of my self, how the hell can I take care of everyone that I care about? 

So it was decided that I was going to go home, take some time to myself, figure things out. I was 100% happy with my decision. Finally I had made a step that might truly help me. The week before I left, I started to have second thoughts. I didn't want to leave him alone. I felt horrible guilt. In the end, I kept up to my decision to make myself better and left. 

I'm no where near where I want to be. I'm still very very depressed. Still haven't uncovered all the reasons as to why. I am still looking inside myself to figure out what I want. Where to go from here. My first step is to become self-sufficient. I have relied on my husband to take care of me since I moved to Fl in 2007. I can not do that anymore. I need to be able to know that no matter what happens, I can take care of myself and my kids. It's going to be a long, agonizing process to decide what I want and where I'm going. But I will get there. From here on out, all my decisions will be what I feel and think is best for myself and my children. Not what's best for others. 

I have hit rock bottom. I am still there. It is a very difficult place to be. I am so in my head that I don't know which way is up or down anymore. I will fight through this. I will work THROUGH my issues. I will be happy, one day. 

"The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know it."


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